yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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