I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
