I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i believe in u and ur pee
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize