what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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