You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
