I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
