Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
