did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
