i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
