Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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