What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
