god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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