THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
