That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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