I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
