Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
