this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
