i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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