I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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