the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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