Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
