Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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