i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
