Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
