I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
