So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
