So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
