I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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