just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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