My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
