i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
