Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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