Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
