Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
NoShamevember. You game?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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