This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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