Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
