Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
