Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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