i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize