WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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