Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
