I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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