We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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