Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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