a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize