just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
