I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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