Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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