I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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