I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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