How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize