If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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