I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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