Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i used baking grease as lip gloss
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
