great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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